Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: