him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
at ease…shoulder.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.