him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Meow
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid