him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.