Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Meanwhile in Portland…
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
one of
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.