Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Spring of Deception
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”