Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

#SuperBowl

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

“How’s your day going?”

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?