Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”