Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.