Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift