Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My neck my back my allergy attack
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad