Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
i wouldn’t say I have an addiction, but the ladies at my local Taco Bell just threw me a surprise baby shower.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Gotta say whoever invented the potato nailed it and should be trusted to invent more stuff
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Greeting humans vs their dogs