Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I unironically love this joke.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”