Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

where do you see yourself in five years?

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?