him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
You Might Also Like
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
m’lady
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I am crying
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
A drum solo but on your face.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
