him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I already tried new things thanks.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
this could fix me
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Not today, today.
Not today.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.