Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done


Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!


I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/


I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.


mom found the dab torch now I gotta make creme brûlée for the whole family or I’m fucked


“Be patient.”

– Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse


Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.


Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.


I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.


[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead