@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

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@neiltyson

There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.

@LetMeStart

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

@bestestname

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

@canadian_egg

When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.

@Shade510

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

@dadofbieber

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

@markydoodoo

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

@TellingTellers

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

@albz

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.