Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
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Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Thinking about Jeff
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-