Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

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There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.


My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.


Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”


When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.


If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.


If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?


At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.


An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.


Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.