Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿