Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
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“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
Oddly specific
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.