Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’