Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*