Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

I think I’ll stand

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

Tremendous stuff

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable