Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.