Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).