Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
You Might Also Like
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I don’t get marriage
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
#StillHurts
❤️🦆
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.