Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

this is the best interaction on twitter

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺