Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.