HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.