HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
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Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Support your local cemetery
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
