Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
You Might Also Like
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich