Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

One venti cheeseburger please.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Sometimes? I’m slipping

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.