Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color