Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…