Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Mornin
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,