Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

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People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”


corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”


Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.


I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.


ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon


Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.


Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.


Me: I am sad, we don’t have any cookie crumble for my ice cream.
Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby


Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck