Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk