Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.