Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens