Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?