Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

some cats are just doing for fun!

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!