Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
🛁
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
The two types of wives
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses