Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.