Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

lmfao come on

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house