Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship