him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
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Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.