him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.