Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms