Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore