Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

Thursday

o shit

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.