Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Had an epiphany today.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds