HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Blew out my flip flop…
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
We all have our pet causes.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet