Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

I’m giving up for Lent.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?