Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…