@roostermustache

Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple

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@Jason_Horton

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

@BobGolen

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

@KelgoreTrout

the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”

@ka_unplugged

There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own

@minkpinkustink

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

@GoogleChamiya

Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

@therealeatwood

What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying