Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple

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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows


Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.


the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”


There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own


my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn


Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?


{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.


What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying