Maybe it’s just me, but reading books on an iPad Mini, I really miss the smell, the heft, the traditional reading experience of an iPad 2.
Him: my gf left me
Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea
Him: yeah but-
Me: also a squirrel
Me: and a sponge in a pineapple
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After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?
Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off
Asked my 65yo mom what she’d like for Christmas and she said “Surprise me”.
Hope she likes her new pet python.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
a little too long, but basically a perfect tweet
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.