HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
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cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
fourth time’s the charm
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.