Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating