Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

sry

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

It’s the weekend y’all

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i