Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.