Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
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rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.