Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
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God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I can fix him.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS