Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened