@sixfootcandy

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

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@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

@drinksmcgee

Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.

@sliver_of

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

@Discourt

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

@WheelTod

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

@1fragmentedmind

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

@kelkulus

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

@wjflowers

“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.

@SICKOFWOLVES

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S