Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla