Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

wish me luck lads

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.