Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches