Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
is frankincense just very honest incense?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
This can never not be funny 😭😭
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Me :
All Day At Night
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms