Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.