him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
You Might Also Like
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.