him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
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me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.