him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
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My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?