Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
You Might Also Like
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
What do you hear?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*