Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
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DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT