him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me: