Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.